The Perfect Role Model
Here he is…
The picture of all the things which are good about football. No, Jonathan Terrence isn’t a thug using the armband to land a few blows on less masculine collegues. No, he is the right choice for England captain because he has a brilliant work ethic and he knows how to lead in awkward (losing) situations.
St Terry of Chelsea has gone and landed himself in another right mess and he didn’t sit on his backside in the rain to achieve it either. The £170k a week (flippingeck?!!!) footballer pimped himself out or rather he offered to let someone tour the Chelsea training ground for £10,000. I’m sorry but was the £170k a week not enough? Apparently according to the death eaters over at the holy grail of useless news, Terry’s put his dignity and armbands – both of them- on the line this time as its something like the umpteenth time he’s messed up off the pitch. And there was everyone thinking it was Lampard who would be the first one to feck up his career. Personally, I’ve never been a fan of Terry’s captaining skills which include the infamous ’Oh you dared to score against us. Dared to show I was human. Do you know who we are? KICK THEIR F*****G HEADS IN!!! THIS IS CHELSEAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’. But I have to admit, its a sad day for football if this is all true…
Pity over.
Red Faced, Red Balloon Red Mist.
I don’t know what was funnier, Reina going for the red beach ball instead of the actual football or the fact that the kid who threw the ball onto the pitch was a Pool supporter.
In other news, United scraped away from Bolton with three points to go top, and Chelsea lost to Villa.
Uncle Fester Gets His Old Job Back
If anyone thought he’s been sensationally reinstated as Chelsea boss due to Roman’s dislike of chewing gum, you’re very wrong. In fact, Avram Grant is back as director of football at Portsmouth after the rubbish that has plagued both parties in recent years. Grant was sacked as Chelsea manager after failing to deliver the holy grail to Abromovich then replaced by the affectionately named Potato also known as Guus Hiddink who failed also.
Pompey however on Saturday managed to bag their first 3 points of the season having been bottom of the table in the worst start to a season since they’ve been in the top flight.
They were bought by the next customer at National Bank of Saudi Arabia and now join the 10 clubs who are under foreign ownership. Expect that list to get bigger when more Saudi business men look to expand their portfolios before the end of the year. There’s no such thing as recession in the Middle East, the money is crazy.
In honour of seeing Grant’s bewildered, clueless expression on the sidelines again, here’s a few pictures.
And who could forget this. Adrian Chiles rules Match of The Day 2 because of 2Good2Bad.
Here’s to some more clueless moments and post match interviews on the Beeb. Welcome back to the Premiership Avram.
FA Cup Final: Chelsea vs Everton
I cannot believe I’m doing this.
Today is the final match of the domestic football season and its Chelsea v Everton because, they won their semi final matches respectively.
I am trying so hard to be as impartial as humanely possible but its not working. The truth is, I’m not a Chelsea fan and I don’t do neutral match watching if they’re involved. There. Its out in the open now. I’d much rather watch Phil Neville lift that cup than John Terry but, as well as being completely biased, I am not mad enough to think Everton will be allowed to play football against Chelsea once Chelsea take the lead and therefore, I am certain that it will be Terry who leads his victorious team up those 107 steps to collect the trophy. The biggest worry I have about this match, or rather watching this match, is that it will be preceeded by an epic build up with montages galore showing the Chelsea and Everton teams in some sort of biblical light, which totally defeats the fact that all they have done is beat Arsenal and United. Then the actual showpiece, namely the match, will turn out to be the biggest load of codswallop since…well since last year’s wonderfully boring Cardiff/Portsmouth clash.
Anyway, as the FA Cup is traditional viewing in our house, I will watch intentely from 1pm regardless of the fact I wouldn’t care for whoever ends up winning the cup.
There are no pictures, isn’t it enough that I bit my tongue and mentioned the match?
Update: Because I’m not having pictures of happy Bluenoses here, Chelsea won 2-1 in normal time but Louis Saha (yes the very same one who was accquainted on a regular basis with the Old Trafford treatment table) scored the fastest goal ever in a FA Cup final on 25 seconds. I guessed Chelsea would win and they didn’t disappoint. Although, watching them celebrating at the end like it was really the cup they wanted was fun. They celebrated like no other cup they have been chasing for the last 4 years which keeps eluding them in the most dramatic fashion, actually matters. Give them the FA Cup, their first trophy in two years (so much for buying silverware) and we’re talking tears and champagne? What in the world will we see if they do win the Champions League? Backflips, passionate kisses? It doesn’t bear thinking about. I will give them the fact that it was the perfect send off for Potato. May the managerial revolving door long continue to hamper their chances of success.
Goodbye, God Bless and Good Night
Newcastle, Middlesborough and West Brom.
*minutes silence for two of the Premier League’s longest surviving clubs*
What are Villa fans laughing at? At best they’re a Top 10 team, with a manager who seems to have forgotten he’s not at Celtic anymore and hasn’t been for some time and they think they have the option to flunk their way out of the UEFA Cup because its an inconvience? At least Newcastle used to go out of Europe even though they tried. And Boro, Boro were UEFA Cup finalists in the age of satellite TV. So stuff you Aston Villa. Another team, who like Newcastle are way too over rated for their own good.
And so the end is near
Its the last day of the season tomorrow and United entertain Hull. Well not really entertaining, more like hanging them over a gaping hole and yanking them back every now and again. Think of it as a tug of war. Hull on one side and Newcastle, Sunderland and Middlesborough on the other. Now Hull have the power to send all three down if they beat United, or should that be if United let Hull beat them? Point is, United have the League in the bag, and the Champions League final on Wednesday to look forward to so if they do lose, can they really be accused? 
Anywho let’s take a look at the trophyless season that the other three enjoyed.
Still no sign of silver at the Emirates. The only silverware there are the spoons.
The manager continues to grasp onto power a la Gordon Brown. He knows he has to go soon, its only a matter of time before the almighty albeit probably silent revolt. The last trophy Arsenal won was the FA Cup against United in a match that saw Paul Scholes miss his penalty and Ronaldo cry absolute buckets. Since then Arsenal have shown they have the ability but they tend to be consistent in being inconsistent. Adebayor used to be a talent but this season he’s been a blessing to the visiting teams’ defences.
Arsenal fan’s highlight of the season: Taking a point away from Anfield.
Neutral fan’s highlight of the season: They managed to hang on in the top four despite an early challenge from Aston Villa.
United fan’s highlight of the season: 4-1!!!!!!
Over to the other side of London and poor, poor, rich, rich Chelsea are still getting their just desserts for winning titles on the back of a huge cash injection. In a season that saw the managerial revolving door operate at lightening speeds, Chelsea were thrown out of the League Cup by Burnley, horribly dumped out of the league race by the return to form of the team who coined the phrase ‘trophy winning machine’, and pipped to Rome with two minutes to go by Barcelona. All in all another bout of deja vu for the residents of Stamford Bridge. No amount of plastic flag waving or hired cheerleading was going to push the fact that Chelsea haven’t done anything since Mourhino. They still have the chance to win the FA Cup against Everton but after the last FA Cup final they featured, in all honesty, who would be awake long enough to care.
Wesh weresh *thatsh* farsh awaysh fromsh Romesh andsh anothersh boresh...ersh...football fesht
Chelsea fan’s highlight of the season: Beating Liverpool in the Champions League in an epic match.
Neutral fan’s ‘I wish it happened’ highlight of the season: Losing to Liverpool in the Champions League in an epic match.
United fan’s highlightS of the season: 3-1, no Champions League final meeting so won’t be bored to an early death, Drogba losing it, Ballack aussi, watching managers come and go, watching Phil Scolari looking bewildered on the side lines, hearing Lamps and Terry talk about the treble like they meant it.
Its been a grand year for Liverpool. They may have ended it empty handed but they definately showed the desire to win was there. They also reinstated their reputation as the most unpredictable team in the league. They were in with a chance of winning the title, there’s no doubt about that and they were still in the title race in May. Unheard of on Merseyside in the last 18 years. Still a trophyless season is a trophyless season. Their second in a row, but they’re not on shakey ground compared to Arsene Wenger. He’s on the verge of a seismic earthquake. Stevie got honored for being the Writer’s Player of the Year which was an award that they hadn’t won since John Barnes played. It was a season for firsts at Anfield. Like, first time in years that they have focussed on the league. Or first time in years, they looked like geniune contenders for the league.
But, trophyless they remain. Next year is their year.
Liverpool fan’s highlight of the season: Staying in the title race to May.
Neutral fan’s highlight of the season: Staying in the title race to May.
United fan’s shock of the season: Staying in the title race to May and even overtaking us once or twice.
And so tomorrow is the last day of the season. So 10 months worth of football comes to an end tomorrow.
But for some of us, there’s Wednesday and Saturday to look forward to respectively. 
Rangers player injured in freak egg accident
I read this story a couple of hours ago and the sheer oddness was enough to send me on a giggle fit. Kirk Broadfoot, who plays for Rangers managed to injure himself when checking on two poached eggs when they exploded in his face and scalded him with boiling water.
Probably due to the fact that Broadfoot is currently injured -prior to the nuclear egg- and is sidelined with a foot injury, he phoned his parents to take him to hospital.
Anyway, this odd accident led to a look back to the other odd but unintentionally hilarious accidents suffered by those beacons of all things intellectual – the footballers.
Be warned, the following injuries may cause you to go ‘Ouch’ or ‘Oof’ or just make you keel over and laugh uncontrollably.
ROY CARROLL: The West Ham goalkeeper was collecting balls from a goal during training when his foot got caught in the net and injured his knee.
RICHARD WRIGHT: Wright was ruled out of Everton’s FA Cup fourth-round replay at Chelsea after suffering a freak injury during the warm-up. Wright ignored a notice warning him not to practice in the goalmouth and promptly fell over the sign, suffering a twisted ankle. The same player also damaged his shoulder falling through a loft as he was trying to pack away his suitcases.
RIO FERDINAND: During his spell at Leeds, the England defender managed to pick up a tendon strain in his knee watching television. Ferdinand had his foot up on a coffee table for a number of hours and ended up injuring a tendon behind his knee.
SEAN FLYNN: The then-Kidderminster captain suffered a broken nose, busted lip and bruised toes after tripping over his son’s toy cars.
DAVE BEASANT: The veteran goalkeeper managed to rule himself out for eight weeks in 1993 when he dropped a bottle of salad cream on his foot, severing the tendon in his big toe.
DAVID JAMES: The England goalkeeper once pulled a muscle in his back when reaching for the television remote control and the keen angler also tweaked his shoulder when trying to land a monster carp.
ALEX STEPNEY: In 1975 the Manchester United goalkeeper Alex Stepney dislocated his jaw while shouting at his defenders during a match against Birmingham.
CHIC BRODIE: The Brentford goalkeeper’s career came to an abrupt end in October 1970 when he collided with a sheepdog which had run on to the pitch. Brodie shattered his kneecap while the dog got the ball. “The dog might have been a small one, but it just happened to be a solid one,” he reflected.
SANTIAGO CANIZARES: The Spain goalkeeper missed the 2002 World Cup after accidentally shattering a bottle of aftershave in his hotel sink. A piece of glass fell on his foot, severing a tendon in his big toe.
KASEY KELLER: The American international knocked out his front teeth while pulling his golf clubs out of the boot of his car.
ALAN WRIGHT: The diminutive former Aston Villa full-back strained his knee by stretching to reach the accelerator in his new Ferrari. He subsequently swapped the sports car for a Rover 416.
STEVE MORROW: The former Northern Ireland defender broke his collarbone after falling off the shoulders of Tony Adams while celebrating the 1993 League Cup final win against Sheffield Wednesday.
SVEIN GRONDALEN: The Norway defender had to withdraw from an international during the 1970s after colliding with a moose while out jogging. (Did he see the moose?)
ALAN MULLERY: The England star missed the 1964 tour of South America after injuring his back while brushing his teeth. (Jeez, these are supposed to be athletes!)
DAVID BATTY: The former Leeds and Blackburn midfielder managed to re-injure his Achilles tendon when he was run over by his toddler on a tricycle. (Hit and run? Tee Hee Hee)
DARREN BARNARD: The former Barnsley midfielder was sidelined for five months with a torn knee ligament after he slipped in a puddle of his puppy’s urine on the kitchen floor.
LEE HODGES: The then Barnet player slipped on a bar of soap in the shower and wrenched his groin.
CHARLIE GEORGE: Arsenal’s 1971 FA Cup hero managed to cut off his toe with a lawnmower.
KIERON DYER: The Newcastle midfielder damaged his left eye when he collided with a pole in training – ruling him out for two weeks. (Get Me the Tank!)
LEROY LITA: The England Under-21 international damaged a muscle while stretching after he woke up. (Athlete??!)
MICHAEL STENSGAARD: The Danish goalkeeper was forced to retire after suffering an injury to his shoulder while he attempted to fold down an ironing board. (Hee hee)
DEREK LYLE: The Dundee striker fell through a glass table in his home which required 16 stitches and he missed his side’s Scottish Cup quarter-final against Queen of the South.
DARIUS VASSELL: The then Aston Villa striker missed several games after he drilled through his toe nail with a home power drill thinking it would relieve the pressure on a swollen toe. The attempt at DIY surgery succeeded only in giving the toe an infection which required medical attention.
KEVIN KYLE: The Kilmarnock striker spent a night in hospital in 2006 when his eight-month old son kicked a jug of boiling water over his crotch. (Kids eh?)
LIAM LAWRENCE: The Stoke midfielder fell down the stairs and injured his ankle after tripping over his dog. (Like Mooseman, did he not see the dog?)
The next time I get dead leg from sitting too long in the same place or I pull a muscle while sleeping, I will remind myself of the 1% of the population who are athletes for a living and manage to trip over dogs, fall through glass tables, pull muscles while waking up, become target practice for rogue poached eggs and all the rest of them. And I guarantee, I’ll feel better about my unfit state.
Its Barca in Rome
Last night, Barcelona won on the away goals rule and therefore are going to play United in Rome on the 27th May.
It was an eventful night right from the whistle. Essien scored a thunderbolt of a goal to put Chelsea ahead and then it sort of turned bad from there. Barca had the most possession for a while but Chelsea were the ones who looked like scoring. As it was a Chelsea-Barca game, controversy was never off the menu. It came in the shape of penalties which Chelsea still think should have been given and a sending off which Barca never deserved. This morning, when I red the papers, every single one was about the four penalties Chelsea were not given. I’ll admit, I thought they had been done, dare I say, I felt sorry for them. Then there was this little niggling in the back of my mind which told me that there’s a chance they did something to deserve that. Upon further investigating I found the evidence that backs up the claim that if Chelsea get done, they usually caused it. Cast your mind back to last week’s bore draw in Spain (which, had Chelsea gone there to win, then they would be the finalists this morning) and the penalty that never was for Thierry Henry when he was brought down by Ashley Cole. And then to last night when Anelka tripped himself up to get Abidal sent off. See, karma hits Chelsea players like a ton of bricks which for the Chelsea fan can only be torturous.
Barcelona’s Iniesta scored the away goal in the 93rd minute that piled on the misery for Chelsea for another season as the CL eluded them yet again. But its not the match that’s making the pages today, its the mental breakdown suffered by Didier Drogba who was substituted and returned onto the pitch in his flip flops at the final whistle, to have launch a tirade at the referee. But he didn’t stop there. Didi decided to treat the viewers at home to some of his feelings yelling ‘Its a fucking disgrace’ at the cameras which was uncomfortable viewing to say the least. As a result of the arguing, harassing and invasion of the ref’s personal space, UEFA say that Chelsea will face disciplinary action. Its nice to see UEFA doing something right this week.
For United, Alves and Abidal are banned from the match but it should be interesting nonetheless. Pictures from the night’s dramatic goings on.
